I heard someone say that Sadness is Poetry. I felt that in my soul.

I'm not like other people. I don't want to resolve my issues using therapy; or even tell others to get their advice. I don't want anyone's advice.

Sometimes I just want to write it out and see the words in print. That's what this place is for.

We buried my biological father today and returned home, a house full of people. Crowding around my stepfather, who is dying of pancreatic cancer, and didn't need the reminder of one's mortality. I whispered to him, when no one else was paying attention, that my DR is sending me for testing for concerning test results. I'm also in the midst of divorce.
That’s right, let’s fucking go! DO IT! You’re the garbage collector!
Powering through another garbage dump of a situation and it feels terrible and awful but I can do it!!!!!! I CAN DO IT!!! Let's fucking GO
No…no, no, no, no, no. I don’t want any more of any of this.
When I tell her about things that are important to me, she laughs.
Mom refuses to move from her place to a seniors facility. If I moved I could somehow have her live with me, and take care of her. Frankly I'd do it if I knew she was only going to live like, 3 more years. But my fear is she would live 10 or 15 years instead, and I would lose the rest of my life just taking care of her. Physically it's exhausting just visiting her a week at a time. (We both have health issues.) I can't imagine myself being 70 years old and still having to take care of her every day. But I feel really guilty about this
Another monumental fuck up. I'm so burnt out I don't know how to turn this around. I'm just so tired.
Christ is King!
I am sitting alone, in a place far from where I made my life. I left behind people I care about, some who depend on me. I didn’t say a word. For those I did talk to I didn’t come close to telling the truth. I couldn’t find the words. And now I’m alone, in a place I’ve always felt drawn to. And I’m really not sad about my decision. I’m content for the first time in a really long time. Am I wrong for walking away? Am I the cruel one? I’m not. I know I’m not.
I'm scared, I'm empty. I can feel myself freezing up more and more everyday. I hate it because I promised myself I'd do everything to not get to this point. Im tired. I love living but I hate life. I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't know who I'm looking at. I'm always angry, always. I just can't heal. I've been fighting it alone my whole life but just like everyone else who needs that oat on the back, I've been craving that my whole life. I remember crying for hours the first time my uncle said the words "I love you" to me. It broke me because I didn't even know those words carried such weight, I've never heard them. I read it in books and I hear them in movies and songs but to actually be told thew me off my feet. I'm so scared. I'm 25 and I'm not even on the starting line. I don't think I'm heading anywhere. I had so much I wanted to do, wasted dreams, ambitions, goals. I guess there's so much Google can do for us. I honestly wanted to leave, just end it, what the point but I've been a go-to person all my life, I've pulled people outta terrible places. It's seems those are the only kind of people I attract. Now I'm empty, I just need a hug and guess who's gonna give me that. ME, just ME. I'm tired of being scared, I've lived like that my whole life. I want to know how it feels to want something and get it without fear of judgement, that feeling of stupidity like you have a back for wrong decisions, like you're not good enough (yh I've heard that a lot, who knew one person could have such flaws.) Failing a life you haven't even started yet, that's what I believe, that's who I've been told I am. School has always been my home, my safe haven and with my last yr in the university quickly running out, I'm scared. Nothing has ever works out like I plan, family pressure is getting worser I'm tired of living this scripted life. I'm not a good girl, that child every other kid should look up to, I'm not quiet and humble. I witty. I'm goofy, I like to play all the time, I love to make pple laugh, that's what makes my soul happy. I'm not a girly girl, I've always disliked that stuff, I like big clothes, a shirt and a nice pair of jeans do the job. Good lord I have so much to say, decade old emotions bottled up over time they just randomly explode. "No I'm not angry, I just want to deal with this traumatic memory alone like I always do and no I'd rather not talk about it because you obviously won't understand". I just need a break, a pointer in the right direction, someone to tell me it's ok to make mistakes, someone who'd listen to those stupid ideas I always come up with, someone who'd help me sort out those unhealthy thoughts, someone to talk to. I've lived my whole life on the internet, Google my best friend, always ready to answer those questions and when I look at my life rn, I cracked real life communication. So many questions I've got, no one can answer everything but I don't need that I just need someone who knows when to give a word of advice, encouragement and just a hug
I don't think life itself is meaningless, but it can be filled with meaningless activities. In fact, I think the argument can be made that you must engage in a bunch of meaningless activities in order to live in this society without being homeless.
People might not be alone in what they're feeling, but they may be alone physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They may be alone in a room right now, or alone tonight or next weekend. That kind of isolation can sometimes feel like a cage.
If you’re reading this right now you are not alone Xo
Do you ever feel like life seems meaningless?
A man will put up with a lot to stay in the house with his kids.
Confiding in others can be an exercise in disappointment. Either you don't get the words out quite right, don't want to tell the whole truth, or are met with platitudes that make you resent telling something so personal in the first place. Sometimes I'd rather just keep it to myself so I don't end up so frustrated and embarrassed.
I feel like I’ve just always been sad. I fight the urge to take my life every day. I have all the essentials you need in life (car, house, stable income, 2 degrees with a good job) but I’m just so fucking unhappy. I’m just ungrateful. I’m 25 and I married my bestfriend and realized it was the wrong move too late. He’s like a narcissistic teddy bear. I’m mentally unstable but he doesn’t get it. It’s just all a show for him. It’s exhausting arguing everyday. It’s exhausting waking up and cleaning and cooking and having everything in order. It’s exhausting talking to single friends who are having the times of their lives and I gave that up for fucking what? To be sad every damn day bc my life is controlled by a man who “loves” me. I just want it all to end so bad
The dirtiest, rottenest truths are not the ones I admit to myself clearly in the middle of the night in a fit of fear. No….they are the ones I whisper to myself a hundred times a day, in voices sometimes soft, sometimes louder.
There isn’t enough beauty in my life.
I’ve spent the last twenty years doing pretty much nothing, always tired, in bed most of the time. I have no idea how to dig myself out of this hole which I got in because my problems were overwhelming. I want to make the most of my potential and my life but it seems so hard and I don’t know where to start or what to do. I have unbearable chest pain every day and don’t know why and can’t get any answers. I’m so alone and don’t have anyone strong and together to rely on for help. my parents hurt me so bad when I was growing up and I wish so much I’d had people who could’ve helped me be the person I was meant to be and get to use my abilities in the world instead of just suffering from feeling like I never have been able to make anything of them. I’m glad I didn't have kids even if it would’ve been good for me to have someone else to focus on - at least I didn't bring another human into this world to have to go through pain I did.
I tried to do online therapy to face the two biggest weights on my heart, but I did several sessions and couldn't talk about either thing out loud. These things are so terrible, I feel like they'll become even more terrible if I face them concretely. I gave up on the therapy without having accomplished anything :(
my family is fucked. we can't afford to pay rent. our eviction notice was two days ago. we were so close to moving out but our truck just broke down and wont go anywhere in -30 weather. we're just holding out in the house hoping our landlord doesn't kick us out to the cold while we figure out how to repair our truck so we can get of here. and even if we move our stuff out successfully, we have nowhere to go. our family is too big to expect anyone else to take us in. the best we can do is set up our trailer outside of town, while its freezing and snowing, and live outside for a few weeks until one of can get a job. we had to sleep on the hardwood floors last night and we have no food and no money to do anything.
I'm worried about the 27 year old who just posted here. Since they have access to the internet I hope they can make inquiries to the city as to whether they qualify for a community-shelter program. Not the overnight shelters but the wayhouse programs where you are assisted in building up your budget. Good luck to them.
I experienced my first suicidal episode at 16; I wasn't even an adult. Can you imagine being that young and wanting to die because you see no future for yourself? Sixteen-year-olds think they are invincible, but I felt sensitive and weak. I look back on my life and I realize I was wrong--I had a lot of strength. I didn't think I would live to see 18, but I did. At 18, I decided I was going to end my life after my high school graduation because I had nothing left in me. I didn't think I'd see 21, but I did. I didn't think I'd live to graduate college, but I did. When I turned 25, I didn't think I'd live to see 30, but I did. Somehow I looked death in the face for fourteen years and I lived every time I didn't think I would. My life is not amazing by any means, and I still ponder ending it all sometimes, but I am still here. You are still here. We are still here. Together.
I’m afraid to type these thoughts because I worry I’ll lash out violently or harm myself if I let them surface. My entire life has been spent as part of a small religious community akin to Seventh Adventist but mostly rejecting specific denominations. Years ago our pastor effectively retired without a successor, ending regular church functions but retaining spiritual leadership. We had been closed to new members by the time I was born and our numbers have dwindled due to death and disaffiliation for decades. We are few now, and have been socially isolated even from each other since long before the pandemic. I am the last of my age group. I am not allowed to socialize outside of the church. I am not allowed to date. I am 27 years old and live with my parents. I express interest in moving out but every time they say that I can’t afford it unless I get a better job. I don’t think I would even be able to live on my own because my development as an independent person was deprioritized. I think at some point all of the older people decided that the world will end before it matters that they left an entire generation of us to die on the vine. If I talk to my parents about how I feel they’ll send me to talk to the pastor. I’ll be forced to decide whether to live like this for the rest of my life or take my chances without any support. I don’t know if I believe in salvation anymore. If this is what life is, I don’t want 50 more years of it, let alone eternity. My cousins left when they were still young enough to build a life for themselves, but I stayed because I’m “the good one”, not worldly and disobedient like them. I stayed because I’m a coward. When I started typing this I expected it to make me angry, but I feel nothing. Most of the time I feel nothing. Sometimes I get very sad. I think about death every day. Sometimes I pray for it. Sometimes it’s because I don’t want to live anymore, sometimes it’s because I just want to know if there’s really anything afterwards. For now I have to keep telling myself that all this is worth it, because I think the day I truly stop believing will be when I kill myself.
Out of all the therapists I've seen (a lot), there was only 1 who really helped me. And she died some years ago.
I know I've chosen to be with someone who is all wrong for me because that's what I deserve. My ex left me for someone else and 4yrs on they are happy, successful homeowners who go on holidays all the time. My current partner is an unemployed leach, deeply wounded, disabled, toxic, negative energy vampire. My ex is the one who got to be better off.
My best friend and my boyfriend are two leaches. They suck and drain the life out of me.
I miss my ex's mom and his family. They were my family for 14 years. It's been nearly 4 years since he left me and I'm well over him, but I still ache over the loss of his family.
My guy and I have been together nearly 30 years but have had financial hardships for the latter half of that. Enough that, like, if he'd wanted to break up with me he wouldn't have been able to anyway; wouldn't be able to afford to live by himself. This means that for all I know, maybe he fell out of love 10 years ago but has to keep pretending to love me. There's no point in asking him about this since obviously he will say he loves me. A few times he really blew up at me and I feel like I got a glimpse of the real feelings that he will be hiding for the rest of our lives. I will never know for sure. It's so frustrating to know I will die of old age still never knowing, did he still love me.
why do i go to school when i know i will never graduate.
I don't look forward to weekends anymore. Everyday is just another day.
I finally graduated from college and got a job in the field that I love but I’m so burnt out that I can’t focus on anything. I find myself going whole days without doing anything. WFH due to covid definitely makes this worse. I’m constantly worried that someone’s going to catch on (even though I’m meeting my deadlines) and I’m gonna get fired. I worked really hard to get here and it makes me feel like I’m ungrateful for all of the opportunities that got me here. It’s so stupid — I can talk to my therapist about serious shit from my past but I can’t admit that my work life isn’t great right now even though my problems are relatively normal. I feel like I’m failing some sort of cosmic test.
I can never seem to get anything done in time I procrastinate too fuvking much. all my friends are doing so much better than me and I'm just. a mess entirely and it is nobody's but my fault I wish it wasn't like this I wish I become more productive god and stop wasting my time
i'm so tired.
I don't know why people reach out to me. I'm passive as a stone and not nearly as fun. They shine so bright while I'm like a the black hole to their statlight
I feel like I will kill myself if my partner ever leaves me, but I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to do it. His love seems to me like the most perfect thing in the world. I cannot bear the thought of him loving someone else like he loves me. To know that he had moved on from me would cause me more pain than I could endure. It would surely break me in a manner most final. I worry I would have to live with that pain for the rest of my life; that I would see him in every good thing in life; that I would never be able to let go of what we could have had. He is everything to me, and I want so badly to spend the rest of my life with him. It is the one thing of which I am certain. If that is not the direction in which my life is headed, I do not wish to pursue it anymore. But if I can spend the rest of my life with my boy, I will relish each moment as a gift. I hate the uncertainty life provides us.
Feel like my life is just a repeat of the same shit every week Stockholm syndrome
I don't actually want to find a job because I don't enjoy working. Unemployment is the career for me.
i am so frustrated no one seems to take my concerns seriously
im a giant loser who gave up at 19 and im now 25 and nothing has changed. everything scares me and idk how to function
I fell behind a long time ago and now I'm too tired to pretend I'm keeping up with everyone else
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It by Kamal Ravikant
my brother hates himself and its my fault. ive lived my life constantly putting him down and telling him both directly and indirectly he's stupid. its my fault if he doesnt have the energy or confidence to do anything with his life. i dont know how to heal him. ive done this to him and i cant even figure out how to help him.
I'm so upset with myself. I feel like a failure yet again. I know that all is to much to handle but I should have been better. I should know better, especially by now. It's been too long of this. It cannot continue. I need to be better. I have to be better. For all of our sakes. I have to stop. I need help to stop.
I’m obsessed with my high school sweetheart/first love and increasingly desperate to feel loved and appreciated the way he did. I’m almost 50 with a husband and two kids but have never felt more alone and unwanted in my life.
Please calm down my heart. My stomach, please don't do a backflip. Just calm down please, just calm down. Nothing has happened yet. Fuck it if i messed up, im just doing my best, it's their fault for choosing me, nobody's perfect. So what if i make a goddamn mistake damn it.
I know i shouldn't worry too much, cause' i haven't even started yet. But i can feel the nervousness in my vein, flowing through. Feels like i want to run, i just want this to be over with, i feel like punching something to relieve this nervousness.
I'm so nervous. What if i make a mistake. What if they can't understand. What if i just made a fool of myself. What if it gets awkward. What if i made a funny face. What if they make fun of me behind the scene. What if i stutter. Especially since it's all people i'm not familiar with. I keep running through these scenario, when i haven't even started yet. Is it okay not to care about anything at all? Is it okay to say that i'm nervous, is it okay to show my weakness. Is it okay to say i'm not experienced enough. Will i be laughed at? I
I'm so nervous.
I've been in chronic, nearly unbearable pain for the past 6 years. I'm only 26. I want to die almost every day because I'm looking down the line at 60ish more years of this pain and it's already been too much for me to handle 6 years of it. I can't tell anyone because it will make them sad and scared, and no one can do anything to help me feel less pain so I just have to bear it alone for what feels like eternity. I just want to be pain free for one day so I can be happy and do what I love again. it makes me feel like shit seeing other people my age working and partying and having hobbies when all I can do is lie in bed feeling pain. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
The person who said they see dead people: I see them too. Well, just one dead person. I’ve been seeing him since he died 13 years ago. He has been with me all the time since then, talked to me, comforted me, helped me. Without him, I wouldn’t be alive today. He talks to me all the time, tells me things people are thinking, things that are going to happen. I know it all sounds completely insane, so there’s no way I can tell anyone. He’s been my secret, and there’s no way I can go to therapy with this.
After all the sexual abuse that has happened to me I feel like I am not worth being loved unless I'm being used for sex. I actually had a boyfriend who didn't want to use me and I fucked it up by always accusing him of cheating. I think watching my parents always fight and cheat has ruined relationships and trust for me. I think I need some level of chaos in relationships for it to feel safe and I know that's not healthy. My ex treated me like shit and I think that's why I still love him because I hate myself too.
I feel like a failure all the time
i just wanna die
I love him
I wish I did more.
I have never got over my father's rejection of me. I'm 30 years old with a successful career, lots of friends and a loving family. I cry myself to sleep every single night and I never feel good enough for anyone.
i think i fell out of love with my boyfriend. he loves me so much i don’t know how to leave without breaking him. i think i’m meant to be alone.
I sometimes have overwhelming feelings of missing my ex-friend Alex. I think he’s my “twinflame”. But he’s been in a relationship for as long as we’ve been out of contact for 2 years so now I’m just working on getting myself out of my feels
I feel overwhelmingly ashamed for being single even though I don’t pity or pour shame on other single people.
My wife told me she doesn’t love me anymore when I’m still very much in love with her. I then finally broke down and told her about how I was molested as a kid and never told anyone. Not sure if I thought finally telling her that would change anything but it didn’t and we’re now separated
I haven’t felt like myself in years. I haven’t drank alcohol in 28 days and feel great
I'm not sure my boyfriend loves me as much as I love him.
10 years ago my mom and dad got into a divorce level fight on their 25 anniversary and my mom left. A few weeks later she told me that she’s only staying for the kids but once we all graduate college that she is going to leave. I’d forgotten about it but as the youngest of 5 kids in my family and the last one to graduate college this spring… I feel like I am going to ruin my family by graduating because my mom is going to leave. I have been having panic attacks.
i’ve been raped more times than i can count. there’s a constant pain in my chest. i think of suicide frequently but i can’t bring myself to hurt my family and friends like that. i just want to feel better or disappear
I've been struggling financially in recent years and just last night accidentally saw that my husband has about $25,000 in his bank account. He knows I saw it but for some reason we're both pretending it doesn't exist. Either he thinks we need that money when we move in a couple years (why so much though) or he feels I mismanage money so he's not gonna share. I half feel like he has the right to hold on to it while the other half of me can't understand why he's been letting me struggle and suffer year after year like this
I am ashamed all of time time.
I continue to believe nobody will ever be able to live with me. I can’t stand the thought of my husband not helping me out of panic attacks or extreme anxiety days. It is not his duty, or his problem at all. I’ve been working on this for years. It’s become so hard. I feel like I’m meant to be alone forever.
yikes
Hella tired. I don't know why i chose to be a doctor and by now it's too late to quit
In love with my best friend who I cannot have and I can’t get over that pain.
Today is supposed to be our anniversary but we're on break and I'm losing my mind
My bf has asked for a break twice and I still love him Nothing fels right without him I still want him back but I feel like I should try and give space although it's quite hard
I feel like I have control over nothing anymore.
I want to talk just to be heard but I feel guilty any time I do. I've been told I ramble and talk too much. Now I'm so afraid to talk to my partner that anytime I try I stumble and stutter and he gives me this look like I'm not making any sense and wasting his time again then I go back to feeling guilty for having tried to talk at all.
I see dead people.
I lie to my therapist about feeling fine because my fatal flaw is that I’m afraid of showing anyone I’m vulnerable which is why, ironically, I entered therapy in the first place.
For a brief second when i wake up in the mornings, i feel ok. Then it hits me. And i silently cry and wish i'd just died in my sleep. Then i see my best friend, my dog, his face across from me on the other pillow, and I feel panicky at the thought he wouldnt understand if I didn't wake up and I am thankful I woke up, but realize i endure the pain of everyday purely for him.
I didn't realize how much value I tied in being smart and as I get older I'm realizing I'm not smart and therefore not worth it.
So tired of it all
I feel like I am never good enough! I try to be the best I can be at everything I do but I just always feel like I am failing. I'm a shit girlfriend, daughter , friend , sister , employee and painter. I feel like no matter how much progress I make I'm just always going to be shit. Also I'm still in love with someone who who treated me like shit and is having a baby with someone else and I feel stupid for still loving him. I really hate my new life even though I got everything I thought I wanted and all this just makes me feel like I'm never going to be happy.
I want to disappear. I'm tired of being a burden on other people's lives. My best friend of many years stopped talking to me because I did shitty things and I wish I wouldn't have ever existed so they had an existence with less pain.
I cant feel love. I cant feel happiness. I'm getting good at convincing people that I'm normal but something is very, very wrong with me. I suspect theres a deep sadness underneath it all (I used to pray to God at night that he would let me die in my sleep) but I have no idea because I cant even feel that. I just exist, unable to feel joy.
I feel awful. And I’m tired of having to marshal all the tools and tricks to navigate out of this awfulness all on my own. Reaching out to another feels pointless too since there’s so much explaining needed.
I'm not having a perfect pandemic. I haven't been journaling, getting to know myself, etc. My kid almost killed herself. My residual PTSD from my job got worse during WFH because the trauma didn't go away, but there comraderie did
Why can't I have loving parents like others do?
I need parents. Done being independent.
I hate my job and dread going there every day. I hate being asked how my day was when I have nothing positive to say.
I'm turning 40 this year and I am not excited. I'm terrified. I'm going to be alone forever, and the pandemic has taken away the last few years of what would have been my "fertile" years, so I'll never have the children I always wanted. I felt this way at 35, but now I think my feelings are actually not just hysteria. No one wants to date a 40 year old woman.
I’ve got to watch myself, what I say or how much I leave myself open. She’s capable of anything, her cruelty knows no bounds.
Tonight I said that I believe in myself, out loud…while having a conversation with another person. It stopped me dead in my tracks. Might’ve been the first time I said it and meant it in 20 years.
I feel sorry for myself all of the time and I hate that about myself, and I hate everything that makes me feel the need to feel sorry myself. I hate that I was born into a world that's difficult to thrive in without any guidance or tools. I hate that I have to figure this out on my own and that it's so hard because my mind is too full to stop and take in what I need. I hate that I even feel this way. I want to be more grateful for my life but why DO I need to feel gratitude for this thing I never asked for?
I hate working. What's the point of living if all you do is work, eat, sleep, repeat. Be to exhausted to do anything on the weekends, and then repeat the whole bullshit cycle again until you drop dead. I wish I could opt out of existing without making anyone sad.
Talking to myself — I just want you to know that I know you’re afraid to go to sleep; I know that you’re disappointed with another conversation that was lacking. For the growing mountain of things that you need that you are not getting….another day is over and it’s time to try and sleep. Maybe tomorrow will bring something better. Maybe not, maybe just more of the same.
when reckoning with where i am in my life today, i look at the decisions that i've made throughout; i search for patterns in every stage i've been through. because those patterns that show up with the most frequency must be the things that i really value. and if i'm being really honest with myself, what are those patterns that i've found? is it selfishness, putting my needs before my spouse and family/friends? is it curating a positive group of friends? finding better ways to express my real self in my relationships with friends/family/my spouse? always striving to be a better person? is it about finding my voice? is it repairing past wrongs and learning to be a better person? no, it's none of those things. what i spend the most time on, what i've been most consistent with -- is my own self destruction. it's never been intentional, i've never been conscious about it, but it's the one consistent thing i've carried with me over the last 30 years.
i couldn't come up with the words even if i tried....
I am finding that in my desperation to feel something that I am willing to do almost anything, including making poor choices. And I guess that's how hurt people cause pain....even when they're looking only for love.
I am extremely sad. I can't seem to get past my loss. I have talked to two therapists both who have been of zero help to me. The one was just out of his depth while the other was a simple quack. I am honestly tired of living, being anxious all the time, being so deeply sad, and yet I still also want to live. There is no way out. I don't like the version of me currently and I don't know how to get back to my old self. I can use just a slither of light.
I keep thinking, “I wonder what dad thinks about that” before I remember that he’s gone. Not sure I’ve really come to terms with the fact that I’ll never see or talk to him again.
I just read today that the first therapist I ever went to see, the one who saved my marriage on many occasions, the one who ran the men’s group that was so crucial in helping me, has died. It had been years since I/me and my wife went to see him regularly. The last time she saw him she abruptly left and told me she was done with him. But there was a gentleness to him that I always liked. Gentleness always worked with me. I had heard he was sick about six months ago, at a time when I needed to rejoin the men’s group. I reached out to him to ask about it. He said he wasn’t running it anymore and I knew then how sick he really was. I felt terrible about asking something for me when I now know he was only a couple months from death. You know, getting help for your mental health is a real privilege..,but sometimes real life derails your plans and you’re left with not wanting any help, from anyone, and you just have to deal with the bumps along the way as best you can. And maybe that’s as good as it gets.
I’m terrified, I’m lost. I’m falling apart at the seams. Everyone around me seeems totally fine. Even worse, they’re enjoying themselves. They have no idea and I will never tell. How can you tell people what’s happening when you don’t even know yourself? No one wants to hear this.
My greatest fear about getting a divorce wasn't about losing the relationship with my wife, but rather being out of the home with my kids. They're so young, they'd forget me. And I didn't want to end up like my father. What I found in the men's group is that I no longer fear that outcome. I've seen these guys have good relationships with their kids even after the divorce....so i know it's possible.
I feel like i'm in the "sunken place" in the movie - Get Out. Each fight, each awkward interaction, every additional day that we don't speak I sink lower and lower. And the relationship between me and you isn't the only thing that's affected. All of my other relationships are affected as well. But I don't want to get out, I don't want to get better. There's a certain comfort in knowing things can't get worse. But I can't tell my therapy group about this because everyone is focused on getting better....but I am not. I have no desire to.
Not more than a moment ago I read that an old college friend of mine died of a heart attack today. A gentle guy, never married, reiki practitioner, had a couple cats as long as I could remember. We used to smoke weed with the Super at his apartment and he'd strap on his roller blades and I'd get on my bike and we'd ride from NW DC into Georgetown at the same time every day. Every.Single.Day. Neither of us PolySci majors -- there couldn't have been two people who seemed more out of place in that town than us. But he was nice....and that was all that mattered.
the only thing to come out of all this pain, all this heartbreak is that i finally get to see the real me. when my wife or family turn their backs there is only me. when i have to hide my despair from my children, there is only me. only when there is prolonged pain do i get to see who i really am. and i like to see that person...i like to be that person. the pain is the only thing that brings the real me out.
i don't want to be happy with anyone but you.
When you're going through something painful and personal....it can take every fiber of my being to spend more than 5 minutes having meaningless conversation with couples or halves of couples who are "doing well" but you know don't have a substantive relationship. Why do they succeed but I fail? Why doesn't their relationship require as much work? Why do their spouses let them get away with it?
I've never been one to entertain suicidal thoughts, I'm not normally depressed. I may be melancholic and sensitive at worst. But the damage that a bad relationship can have over a sustained and lengthy period of time can have the average man thinking of taking his own life. They're thoughts, not actions...not planning. Just thoughts. But what kind of state of mind do I have to be in to be having these thoughts on a semi-regular basis?
When you withdraw so deep because of neglect, there is nothing lonelier than the desperation of needing to be heard on those real bad days and just having to hold it in.
there are some things...once you do....can never be undone
Watching a video of Yo-yo-ma playing a melancholy cello piece on TV. At the end of the piece he smiles as he relishes in playing a beautiful piece of music. But all it makes me want to do is plunge a knife thru the center of my chest.
I now know why the younger generation cuts themselves. It's their addiction to pain, the sweetness that comes from exposing the slow drip of despair. Pain is a drug and can be addictive. It's free and it's everywhere you look.
Because of you I have learned to hate myself